The BEST of Intentions

Intention is defined as the following:

1. A thing intended, an aim, a plan. 

2. The action or fact of intending.

3. A determination to act in a certain way. 

I truly believe that for the most part, we ALL have GOOD intentions. The intention to do the right thing, the intention to be a good person, the intention to love completely, the intention to work hard and build a successful career, and so the list goes on. But today as I thought about intentions and how they affect the people around us, I realized that maybe everyone does not always have the best intentions...including myself. 

That is hard to admit and as I type it, I am drawing in a deep breath. No, this is not going to be a big confessional post. But I think it is worth realizing that sometimes, our intentions are based on working towards an end, even though it may not be the best thing for others, or much less ourselves. 

Typically, my intentions are in line and on spot. I always have the intention to create a good morning for my son. I have the intention to be productive in my work (paid and volunteer). I have the intention to do good for others at all times. But sometimes, life is just life. My intention to create that great morning is sometimes clouded by my tiredness, or irritability towards Will for running behind, or either of us not having everything together. The productivity becomes clouded as tasks pile up, emails "ding" in, calls rack up. And doing something for someone else, well sadly that just gets put on the back burner.

In our relationships, we all have the intention in the beginning to explore and grow with a person- friend, lover, whatever- and as it develops intentions change. Look at how many people end up in divorce or separated months or years later. It amazes me how the best intentions are lost in the unwillingness to work through the hard times, the arguments, or whatever is going on that is not perfect at the time. 

In Church, we have "intentions" or prayers for those who have left us, who are with us and suffering, or just those in general. But when we offer those intentions, and walk out the doors after our hour of worship, what is the value of that intention if it is not remembered and reflected upon? Or is a one-shot intention okay and acceptable?

Intention is the starting point of every dream. It is the creative power that fulfills all of our needs, whether for money, relationships, spiritual awakening, or love. - The Chopra Center. 

I particularly appreciate Dr. Chopra's view on the emotional aspect of intentions, and the outcome. He writes this: 

Relinquish your rigid attachment to a specific result and live in the wisdom of uncertainty. Attachment is based on fear and insecurity, while detachment is based on the unquestioning belief in the power of your true Self. Intend for everything to work out as it should, then let go and allow opportunities and openings to come your way.

Your focused intentions set the infinite organizing power of the universe in motion. Trust that infinite organizing power to orchestrate the complete fulfillment of your desires. Don’t listen to the voice that says that you have to be in charge, that obsessive vigilance is the only way to get anything done. 

The outcome that you try so hard to force may not be as good for you as the one that comes naturally. You have released your intentions into the fertile ground of pure potentiality, and they will bloom when the season is right. (Deepak Chopra,M.D.,www.chopra.com, 5 Steps to Setting Powerful Intentions)

Yeah, that sounds cool to me. So my take-away? I am going to quit stressing over failed intentions and unexpected outcomes right now. Because the reality is, we never know and we cannot predict the actions/reactions of others or ourselves. 

The point? I am going to keep my intentions good, but learn/strive to go with the flow. I have to believe that positivity will outweigh the negativity and eventually, balance will be created. And that, will be my peace. And perhaps someone else's peace, too. 

She is Strong.

She's a stronger person than you think she is.
That was my thought when I got the call that my papa passed away, about my grandma. For years, I had listened to family and family friends say how it would be awful if Papa passed away before Grandma. She would "not survive," she would not "know what to do." Well, news flash folks, she is alive and kicking and doing alright.
Now, don't let me downplay the extreme loss of my amazing Papa. He was our rock. He basically held together two generations that were adament to go separate ways. And out of respect, we still manage to find time together today. But deep down, blood is blood right? And some of us even like each other.

Grams basically built her world around my Papa, which is okay. That is what women do, like it or not, yestrday or today, that is what we do. She did not sacrifice, but she postponed her growth academically and professionally to support her family. And that was okay. But she built a world-her world -their world- around Papa and his work.

When he got sick a few years ago, she was by his side every single day. To the point where she wanted to deny nursing staff and later on, hospice care, but evenutally she could not. When he died, she explains to this day she saw a light leave his body, of which awoke her from sleep. I am amazed by her love and dedication. His, too, but especailly hers. It was true until death do them part for sure.

Today, her sister, Aunt Nedda, passed away at 96 years. Brief history, Nedda gave up her later teen years to raise the nine children my great-grandmother Anna and great-Grandfather Mike left behind. And Nedda also managed to marry and create her own family while raising the kiddos in the family house - maybe 3-4 bedrooms?- in Pittsburgh. Can you imagine? No, you cannot. No one does that anymore.

Nedda lived a good life. Raising her siblings, her children, taking care of her husband. She has absolutely experienced loss, burying her husband and a child...burying a couple brothers and sisters that she raised. But in the end, I never saw my aunt Nedda NOT smiling.

So this blog is dedicated to the strong women in my life. My mom, my grandma, my grandmother, my stephmother, her mother...her sister, her daughter...there are so many. We are all strong because of where we came from, which is easy to forget. But in moments like these, when someone leaves the earth, you are grateful for those that contributed to your upbringing and even your future.

Rest in Peace Aunt Nedda.
Thank you for your stregth that has resonated and impressed us through the years .

Music & Memories

It is an absolute truth for many of us that certain songs can play and the with first few notes, memories long tucked away can be unearthed, good or bad. These songs take us back, even if only for a moment, to that space in time, for better or worse.  Music has proven to have profound results, impacting individuals dealing with conditions including autism and Alzheimer's. There is something therapeutic about a melody, a song, a lyric.

As I was driving today, I had to switch the song three times to avoid lyrics that were related to memories I was not ready or willing to recall. However, I almost always cherish those times when certain songs play and I have a chance to relive a brief moment in my past.

When I was younger, I remember always being surrounded by music and songs that were forever etched in my heart and mind. My grandparents and parents all had a love for music, and my dad especially, being a professional musician and songwriter for decades. I can recall many songs that bring back fond (and not so fond) memories. But the fond ones, I love to recall, even if only for a few verses or notes before I have to move to the next to avoid a watershed (and not always a sad one!).

I remember my first boy/girl party that I had invited my entire class to attend. All of my girlfriends had someone they were "going steady" with at the time, including myself. Inevitably, the evening turned to everyone huddling in the arcade, where several of the boys were being "dared" to give a cheek kiss to their person. Well, almost everyone got one except guess who? (Read: Me, the birthday girl.) I was devastated - heartbroken having been shunned, especially on my birthday.

Later that evening, all of the girls returned to my house for a sleepover and the "said boy" that I was "going with" called me to apologize and let me know he did want to kiss my cheek, but lost his courage last minute. And then he proceeded to place the phone receiver to his stereo speaker and play When I See You Smile (Warrant). I know right? How stinking sweet? Needless to say, I forgave the faux pas. We did not end up together for the record, but at the time, he was my one and only. But anytime that song plays...

Roll out any 70's or 80's song especially Toto, Elton John, America, Tears for Fears, Lionel Richie, Spandau Ballet...the list goes ON and ON...and I am vividly remembering my mom driving us to the beach, windows rolled down, singing at the top of our lungs! Every time I hear Respect (Aretha), Papa Was a Rolling Stone (James Brown) or 25 or 6 to 4 (Chicago), I am instantly taken back to my dance line days at Gadsden High School. When any George Strait tune comes on, I fondly think of my high school sweetheart. Play Brown Eyed Girl (Van Morrison), Closing Time (Semisonic), or You Shook Me All Night Long (AC/DC), Dixieland Delight (Alabama), and my mind thinks back to the days of dancing to the bands in college at the frat houses and Brother's Bar.

When my ex-husband and I began dating, he somehow discovered one of my favorite "old" love songs, Just the Way You Look Tonight (Tony Bennett version from the movie My Best Friend's Wedding), and it became one of our slow dance favorites. The other two that made us both smile  included our first date dance song to Wonderful Tonight (Clapton), and Don't Want to Miss a Thing (Aerosmith.) One of my sweetest memories to this day is after I discovered that I was expecting my beautiful son, Will, I sang to my belly each night, and then to his sweet face when he was born every night after, Your Song (Elton John.)  

Anytime I hear On Eagle's Wings (Catholic hymn) or Here I Am (Catholic hymn) I am instantly transported back to St. James Catholic Church. Likewise with hearing Just As I Am (Baptist hymn) or I Surrender All (Baptist hymn), and I am the young girl drawing on my notebook paper at my grandmother's Baptist church during the LONG sermon, getting in trouble when I whisper "is he almost done."

                                                                                                

I could probably right a book about all the songs that have had a profound effect on my memories- we all could! The point is, I think sometimes we forget the value of music and lyrics in our lives. Clearly the connection can impact us in ways we never could have imagined. And I always anticipate the songs that are yet to come, and making new memories to have in the future. Good or bad, it is always a welcome experience when a certain song comes on, and I am transported back, if only for a moment. Aren't you?

The World of Online Dating - For Better or Worse, and Everything in Between!

In a world full of plenty of fish in the sea, it can be really hard to find one that is suitable. Don't get me wrong, the romantic, more-traditional side of me has waited forever to look across the room, lock eyes with a handsome man, and know in my heart that we would be together forever. Okay, I just made myself laugh out loud- and very hard- but it sounds good!

Most of my girlfriends are married to or living with their high school or college sweethearts. Let's face it, school is a natural breeding ground for relationships. I even married my college sweetheart, so it happens all the time. But as a single 30-something, living in a quaint, coastal town, it can be extremely hard to find someone that is not already spoken for and/or is worthy of your company, short or long-term. 

I had always seen commercials for online dating sites and never paid much attention, having been married and settled. I don't think I judged them, (if I did, I don't recall), but they just did not play a role in my then-current situation. When my husband and I separated in 2014, I began to reconnect with friends who were recently divorced or separated themselves, and guess what the common thread was they all shared? Joining online dating sites...it was a "thing."

Admittedly, I was not feeling it at first and sat back, watching my girlfriends meet up with their "match", or "fish", or whatever the online site designated these folks. It was really interesting to hear the after-stories, mostly funny and/or good, and really only a few "horror" stories or uncomfortable situations. I had a couple of girlfriends that developed long-term relationships, or at least got a few months out of it. So eventually I found myself signed up on one of the freebie sites, and the journey began.

I intercepted many bizarre messages, a few completely lewd and unacceptable ones (think one night stand with a pilot in for the night) and quickly became frustrated. But right before deleting my profile forever, one caught my attention. I "liked" his picture and waited, but got no response and vowed to delete my page the next day. Then the message came, which simply read :"So what exactly is a non profit?" I laughed and probably shot back some smart ass "are you serious" comment. At the time I worked for a non profit, in case you missed that part. 

So, I looked at his profile several times that proclaimed he was looking for "nothing serious, just a good time," etc. He was a red-headed cutie, that seemed very independent, and like me was all-about his kids and everything else came second. Although he was nothing like anyone I had ever dated or even liked, there was something that caught my attention. We ended up messaging and texting for the next month, and on May 5th, 2015, we agreed to meet. 

The date was nerve-wracking, and became a tell-all for him as he divulged his past life (think super exciting and scary to say the least) but all-in-all, remained fun and intriguing. I walked away questioning the entire evening, but somehow was curious for more. He was a complete gentleman, but barely hugged me goodbye, so I shrugged it off, thinking I would never hear from him again. 

We continued to chat over the next few weeks and to my amazement, had several dates that eventually turned into weekly occurrences when he was home. Fast forward three years and three months later, to many amazing memories. We recently split, but for the first time I can honestly tell people how we met and that for the most part it was okay. I do not want to detail our relationship here, but what I want to say is, if you are on the fence about online dating or just online looking, do it. 

It is so hard these days to meet someone. Someone you can actually get a taste and feel for their personality, their vibe, their loves, hates, etc. I learned enough about this person online, and then through texting/email, to trust our ability to connect, and meet face to face. And while it did not end as we imagined, I do not think either of us would change a thing. 
While he was always ready and willing to attest to our meeting online, I shied away from the truth and always said we met among mutual friends. It felt shameful to say that I put myself out there online and this was the only way this person found me. It was not the traditional way to meet someone, so I did not feel comfortable sharing. But what I believe is, if we have the courage and the willingness to put ourselves out there in different ways, those who finds us are the people who are meant to find us.
I still believe in that glance across the room, and I hope for it everyday. I trust that you can meet a person randomly, and make a special connection. Believe it or not, it happened to me the other day, and I had a first date for the first time in over three years...it was great! Who knows where it will lead or what will come of it, but we both had a blast, and I look forward to getting to know him better.
I guess the point of this entry is that I was ashamed of the online connection and always hid it. But in the end, there was no reason for me to, because how you meet someone is part of your story. I hid the beginning of my last story for a long time, for no reason. And while that story has ended, my new story is beginning and I will tell how it happens. And if it ends, I will tell you how the next one begins. That small fact is not a big deal, how it began....just how it is written is what matters. 

Letting go is hard. As small children, we let go of silly things...blankies, boogeymen, sucking our thumbs. As adults, we let go of hard stuff. Tonight, my son witnessed me letting go of something or rather someone that was very important in our lives. Someone that had an impact on our day-to-day. Someone who mattered...or so I thought.

If i could define myself in three words...bitch, lover, giver. And even the "bitch" comes in handy for 9 out of 10 times. I do not let things go and I hold my people close, love them hard, protect and more. When I am let go, it is a blow, no doubt. I was not expecting the let-go. Are we ever? I was expecting the in-it-for-the-long-haul.

Funny how God has other plans right? Well, I have dealt with it as best I can the past weeks, but sometimes, memories or emotions get the best of me. I got-GOT- tonight...just when I thought I was good. But you know what? That is being human. That is bearing your soul when you want to hide. That is life. And how you deal with all that, shows your humanity and your resilience.

It is hard, the letting go thing. But you know, we all have to do it, and to do it with grace and humility is key. Because sometimes, even if we were pushed into it, it leads to us seeing that it was for the best. Now, honestly, I am not there yet. I still have a very raw and open wound, but my head tells my heart to shut up everyday and keep moving forward.

Here is what I know:

• No one will ever love that person more than I did. Try, try, try again.
• No one will ever give more of themselves to that person, or their people, than I did, or in the way that I did.
• No one will ever be me...no matter how hard they try. And if that person ignores the fact of who I was and what I meant, shame on them.

It is not self-reassurance, it just is what it is. I gave my all. I was not perfect, but by God, I tried. I could not do it alone, and here we are.

Tomorrow will be a new day. New people, new things, new times. I am grateful for those surrounding me and loving me. I am grateful to know that the past few years, I tried like hell. But you cannot do it alone. Point made. So here I go again.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name...at the WINE BAR!

Who does NOT love a wine bar*? If you don't you may want to skip past this post, just sayin'.

Really, what is better than strolling into a comfy place, to smiling faces, and a great glass of vino, maybe a good cheese board, and good conversation? If the people running the show are doing it right, you are going to love being there. (*Disclaimer: Even if you are not a wino, they usually have beer and maybe other spirits to sustain you.)

I am blessed to have a "fun" second job...seriously! Most people dread the idea of anything above and beyond the typical "9-5", but I get excited when I know I will be clocking in and talking to folks I have grown to know, even love some, and call my friends. Amazing people own it, a friendly and accepting crowd frequents it, and maybe the most important part, I have made friends that quite frankly, I never imagined would have been friends. Score! (Plus, I get to drink some yummy wines often...so double score!)

When I first started, I was a little gun-shy, having had a not-so-great experience at another wine bar. But immediately, the owners and the staff took me under their wings and the rest is history. I have had a blast, and while I equally enjoy my 50-60 work week at my "day" job, I will hang onto this gig as long as they will have me. 

Wine bars in the south are a recent (think decade recent) thing, but I have traveled pretty extensively throughout my career and visited some nifty ones, most often in northern or midwestern states. One of my favorites is POPS for Champagne in Chicago. I love the idea of champs any day of the week, and this bar never disappointed.  Plus they had an excellent wine and tapas menu. 

Another that I remember fondly is in NYC, tucked away on one of those streets you wander down trying to get away from the hustle and bustle. I cannot recall the name, but I managed to find it everyday for a few week-long business trips for a happy hour drink before business dinners and such.

See, the way I see it, if your wine bar has the four following elements, you are bound to attract folks and be successful:

1. Atmosphere

No one wants a "stuffy" atmosphere. We are not all seeking cultural insight when we just want a yummy glass of vino. Sometimes, walking into a cozy place, tucked away, is just the ticket. Decor adds to this, along with a few candles and maybe dimmer lighting, or natural light until dark.

2. Welcoming staff (and owners)

If I walk into the wine bar and you do not acknowledge me, chances are, I am walking out. Call it my southern nature or whatever, but say "hello" and even "how are you" to everyone. It goes a long way. And it goes without mentioning, smile.

3. Simple by-the-glass offerings

Don't try to get my attention with a $15 glass of your favorite zinfandel, please. Offer me that $7 or $8 glass of yummy and if I bite, chances are I may get the bottle. Don't get too deep with the by-the-glass offerings. Just tell me what you like and why, I can share some thoughts, and we can come to a conclusion together. 

4. The Crowd

I know you cannot help who comes and goes, and there will always be an exception. But for the most part, regulars can make or break your business. I know it sounds silly, but it is true, they contibute to the "vibe." Where I work, the regulars welcome the newbies, who usually become regulars themselves. It is a thing of beauty.

Bottom line, I love wine and I love to talk to people about wine, and encourage them to try new things. If you have never visited a wine bar and are eager to venture out of your comfort zone, or just find something different than what you usually pour, take a chance and visit your nearest wine bar. And if you are in my neck of the woods (LA- read: Lower Alabama) come see the amazing little gem that I like to hang out, Le Bouchon. You will not be disappointed...and I am sure you will soon become a regular yourself!

Cheers!

Nikole

The Story of the Sunflower

Like a sunflower that follows

Every moment of the sun,So I turn towards You, to follow You my God.In simplicity, charity I follow. In simplicity, honesty I follow. In simplicity, fidelity I follow.

It got my attention, that song we sang in Church and school mass when I was younger. I could recite and sing in tune to this day. This is why I believe I love a sunflower. Because it is truth - the sunflower turns towards the sun, follows the sun, and the sun is created of course by God. And we all feel good in the sun, right?

When we first moved back to Alabama, I was so sad, leaving my friends in Bluffton (SC), and one day on the way home there was a field of sunflowers. I stopped, took a picture, and smiled...breathing in the beauty and the moment. It was amazing therapy and just what I needed. 

Those who know me best know that I love a flower...any flower, fresh and beautiful, I will take and love. But my favorite flower in the entire world is a sunflower. It honestly takes on a life of its own...it blooms, looks for the sun, if the sun is gone, it goes to sleep. Then it re-awakens and moves back toward the sun the next day. A bit of a re-birth I believe. 

I recently read this about sunflowers:
Sunflowers symbolize adoration, loyalty and longevity. Much of the meaning of sunflowers stems from its namesake, the sun itself. These flowers are unique in that they have the ability to provide energy in the form of nourishment and vibrancy—attributes which mirror the sun and the energy provided by its heat and light.

More recent than not, I have needed sunshine in my life. When I see sunflowers at the Publix, in the farmer's market, or even on a random post or website, they make me smile. So I always have and will look for the sunflowers. 

I encourage you to find your flower. Whether it be the amazing sunflower, or another one, make sure you know that it is yours and why. There is something to be said about a beautiful, live flower on your table, counter, or desk. Go and buy a bunch (or two) today...you will not regret it. 

Cheers and love-
Nikole

I LOVE AN InstaPot 
Thank you for saving me hours and making up for all the times that I forgot to turn on the crockpot.

I met my first InstaPot via my parents about a year ago, watching in awe as they created a pot roast in an hour...AN HOUR people!!! I was amazed and terrifed at the same time, because I knew eventually I would take on the InstaPot to create dinners for my family and friends, and it is basically a pressure cooker. With safeties.

My first go-round I made navy beans and ham. It went okay, nothing exploded, and even though I doubled, not realizing the need for a time extension, it turned out yummy. I was seriously nervous about an explosion, but if I survived, so will you. And I was convinced this was a game-changer.

Fast-forward to having made whole chickens, pot roasts, enjoyed spaghetti, red beans and rice (sorry my LA friends, it tastes awesome!), and more...all in under 1-2 hours. YUM!

I can only tell you the InstaPot is awesome sauce and NO, I am getting no benefit for a free one. But if you do not have one or have not experienced one, RUN, do not walk, to your local Target or visit Amazon and get one stat! It does not disappoint.

Confessions of An Ex-Crossfit Junkie...Who Recently Returned to the Bar

“Life is not about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving.” 
– Rocky Balboa

Part of my "try new things" adventure has been returning to the crazy, cultish, fitness obsession called CrossFit. It is hard to explain to someone unfamiliar or someone that holds the notion "crossfit is bad for you," or "it is not for everyone." The facts are if you properly train and scale as needed, it is a unique process that will sculpt and strengthen any body.

I began training in 2011 completely by accident. I used to run 3-4 miles while my son was practicing with his swim team, and everyday my route took me by this warehouse-looking building where I saw groups of people throwing up barbells, weight balls, and completing the not-so-loved move I came to know as burpees. I have never been a gym person, but I have always gravitated towards group exercise, and this group seemed pretty in sync as I glanced at their daily workouts jogging by the building.

Curiosity got the best of me, so I stopped in one day to see what was going on. That day was the beginning of a love affair. I was immediately welcomed by the owner and the members. After a quick tour, observing what was being referred to as a "WOD", and making an appointment for my ramp-up orientation, I was signed up for the next month. And so it began.

My first WOD (Workout of the Day) was what would become some of my all time favorite Crossfit moves...21-15-9 Thrusters, Deadlifts, Wall Balls. I eagerly jumped in with a 14 lb. wall ball, a 35 lb. bar, and added 20 lbs. for a 55 lb. beginning to my journey. I was invigorated, excited and eager to return the next day. Little did I know, first day sore sucks, BUT second day sore is NO JOKE. By my third day in, the stairs and the toilets were my worst enemy as I attempted to climb/squat. I walked a little funny, and wanted to cry most of those two days, but it got better and I kept going back for more.

One of the coolest aspects (in my opinion) of CF is your battle wounds. After about three months,  my shins looked like a war zone from the scrapes as a result of busting it on box jumps multiple times. My hands literally would rip from pull ups in multiple places, almost be healed in a few days, only to find we were doing them again. Collar bone and thigh bruises are par-for-the-course if you are doing the movement right. And oh! The beautiful whip marks from the jump rope while tackling double-unders are amazing. But, these are scars that us cross-fitters tout, and we showcase them proudly as a mark of our accomplishments for the day.

I have been absent from the CF world for almost two years and recently I returned, with the encouragement of my stepmom realizing I needed a new scene. It was scary. I was intimidated and I do not get intimidated. After nearly 4 years of 4-6 WODS a week, I had accomplished some significant weight PR's, was able to do pull ups (big deal and a personal goal when I first began), had great stamina, was working on hand stand push ups, and more. When you leave the box, and don't keep up with the training, you have to basically begin again. (But that has become one of my favortie mottos lately...in the end, we begin again).

At the beginning of last week, I walked in to greetings from Missy (my former trainer here in AL), the owner/coach at Yellowhammer Fitness, and a new group of CF peeps. It was weird to use lower weight and scale myself (not even banded pull ups, think ring rows), but it was okay. I just set my mind to pace myself and enjoy the experience. Now two weeks in, I feel like I am beginning to get my groove back. I am nowhere near where I was when I left, but I know that in six months and I will be back on track. Hell, I feel back on track now! It feels good.

The OG CrossFit843 peeps post WOD for Hope, 2013.

See, there are some basic beauties with this sport. First and foremost, the Community.
You will never feel excluded, left out, or left behind at a box. Even if you are a drop-in, in a different state, CF folks share an unspoken bond and because of this, we tend to be an overly-friendly and accepting bunch to all.

Second, the results are undeniable and inevitable if you trust the process.  
Even if you are not jumping on the paleo or keto train, you can still work hard, eat healthy but still indulge, and see results. I am currently figuring out my long-term diet strategy, but I have basically steered away from bread, moderated drinking, and I have seen results in the past two weeks. I am looking forward to getting my "I do 500 squats a week" bootie back!


Finally, you continually surprise yourself.

Just when you think "I have maxed out," or "this is all I have left today," you add a few pounds to the bar, you do a few more reps, you just push just a little harder. And all the while your Community is cheering you on to do a little more, and if you cannot, they congratulate you for your achievement. Good stuff!

So thank you Lisa Gore, and Missy Lewis. I am very happy to be back in the CF community and honestly, absent the soreness and scaling, it feels like I never left. I am excited to watch my progress and my team mates progress as we continue on this journey together. Stay strong folks, be good. And go check out your nearest box...you will NOT regret it.

Learning to Fly

I have not blogged in years. But here I sit, trying to find a new creative outlet and here I go, thinking that there is no time like the present. A lot has changed in the last five years, which I think is the last time I sat down to either blog or write in a journal.

As a mother of an almost-16 year old, I continue to learn a great deal from my beautiful, healthy son, Will. He has taught me patience (to an extent, but he knows not to test), to be humble, to think of others first, and that at the end of the day, family matters most. Granted, he is far from perfect, but I revel in his kindness, spirit, and energy. We have certainly grown up together and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for him!

After relocating back to Alabama (BONUS! 25 minutes from my favorite beach), lots of change has ensued. It has been a whirlwind to say the least, filled with gains, losses, happiness, and sadness...as is life right? Most importantly my boy has continued to thrive and grow, stay the sweet soul that he is (although NOT perfect!) and I count my blessings for that everyday.

About a month after moving back, we lost my papa and it shook my entire family to the core. For me, dealing with my first real loss (with a death) took a long time to process. Some days I feel as though I am still processing. He is my guardian angel for sure, but everyday I miss his voice calling and saying "Hello dear," and those big hugs only he could give out.

Will & I hanging in downtown Fairhope.

My (ex) husband and I separated in 2015 on amicable terms, and in the big world of separation and divorce, it was a relatively painless process. He has known me since I was 19, so the idea of severing ties with my best friend of that many years was not ideal, especially with a child. No child deserves bitter, bickering, or absentee parents. It is not always perfect, our relationship, but all things considered, we function as normally as we can. I hope it will benefit Will for the rest of his life, to show how parents do not have to live together or be married to make a family work.

At the end of last year I left the nonprofit working world, and intent to join the for-profit working world. It did not happen instantaneously and the struggle was real. I will forever be grateful for my family and friends for their support, and my precious boy who encouraged me everyday along the way.

I had 16 years of working experience, but no one was willing to recognize that it could translate to the corporate world. Thankfully, my patience (although tested often) paid off, and after about eight months, countless resumes sent and too many interviews attended, I was blessed with a really cool job in logistics. I learn something new everyday, and while it is still a strange new world, I have embraced it and really do enjoy the new adventure.

Shortly after my husband and I separated, I met someone that I never could have imagined would become such an integral part of my life. Seriously, if you could pick two completely opposite people and put them together, it would be us. But it worked and it was good...it was actually great, in my humble opion. Until it was not. Let me say, it was in no way love at first sight, and honestly after our first date-following two months of simply texting/talking- I was not sure a second date would happen.  But the rest is history.

I am grateful for how we grew together and it was a true life-learning experience. Our ideals and values did not always mesh, but I believe that we learned more about each other than we probably wanted to know, which created a mutual respect. We meticulously worked to integrate our families and children, who were not used to another person in their parent's lives. We made plans for the future, talked about going places, and making our dreams happen sooner rather than later. It was exciting to think about moving forward with this man.

A few weeks ago, that relationship took a turn that I could not have imagined. I am to date grappling with how it went down, as there has been no real closure. It is still very raw and I contiue to process as I keep moving forward. I cannot say for sure sure what the future holds for either of us, if there is an us, but I have an amazing support system and lots of prayers surrounding me, so it is one breath at a time.

And that in a few paragraphs is the past few years.

I titled this entry "Learning to Fly" because the truth is, I am still learning to navigate this beautiful world. I have become content to live day-to-day, enjoying my beautiful son, my family, the beach (might be an addiction!), and some unexpected new friends who have shown me the silver lining during some recently dark days.

I have one month left until I enter the last year of my 30's, and I have a few goals to accomplish, restarting my blog is one of them. I have always loved to write, and it is hands-down my best method of communication. I also enjoy reading what others write, gaining perspecitve through different views and opinions. I hope that others are able to experience the same in reading this blog.

In a world of mistaken or overthought Facebook posts, and Instagram photos that make you go hmmmm...this is my safe place. Nothing will make you go hmmm, just hopefully enlighten or inform. And in a way, it is my therapy.

I hope that one day, some random post will resonate with you, or someone else reading, and perhaps help you will see things in a different light, or think about things in a new way.

Thank you for taking the time to read my little blurb! Until next post...

Cheers!
Nikole