She is Strong.

She's a stronger person than you think she is.
That was my thought when I got the call that my papa passed away, about my grandma. For years, I had listened to family and family friends say how it would be awful if Papa passed away before Grandma. She would "not survive," she would not "know what to do." Well, news flash folks, she is alive and kicking and doing alright.
Now, don't let me downplay the extreme loss of my amazing Papa. He was our rock. He basically held together two generations that were adament to go separate ways. And out of respect, we still manage to find time together today. But deep down, blood is blood right? And some of us even like each other.

Grams basically built her world around my Papa, which is okay. That is what women do, like it or not, yestrday or today, that is what we do. She did not sacrifice, but she postponed her growth academically and professionally to support her family. And that was okay. But she built a world-her world -their world- around Papa and his work.

When he got sick a few years ago, she was by his side every single day. To the point where she wanted to deny nursing staff and later on, hospice care, but evenutally she could not. When he died, she explains to this day she saw a light leave his body, of which awoke her from sleep. I am amazed by her love and dedication. His, too, but especailly hers. It was true until death do them part for sure.

Today, her sister, Aunt Nedda, passed away at 96 years. Brief history, Nedda gave up her later teen years to raise the nine children my great-grandmother Anna and great-Grandfather Mike left behind. And Nedda also managed to marry and create her own family while raising the kiddos in the family house - maybe 3-4 bedrooms?- in Pittsburgh. Can you imagine? No, you cannot. No one does that anymore.

Nedda lived a good life. Raising her siblings, her children, taking care of her husband. She has absolutely experienced loss, burying her husband and a child...burying a couple brothers and sisters that she raised. But in the end, I never saw my aunt Nedda NOT smiling.

So this blog is dedicated to the strong women in my life. My mom, my grandma, my grandmother, my stephmother, her mother...her sister, her daughter...there are so many. We are all strong because of where we came from, which is easy to forget. But in moments like these, when someone leaves the earth, you are grateful for those that contributed to your upbringing and even your future.

Rest in Peace Aunt Nedda.
Thank you for your stregth that has resonated and impressed us through the years .

Music & Memories

It is an absolute truth for many of us that certain songs can play and the with first few notes, memories long tucked away can be unearthed, good or bad. These songs take us back, even if only for a moment, to that space in time, for better or worse.  Music has proven to have profound results, impacting individuals dealing with conditions including autism and Alzheimer's. There is something therapeutic about a melody, a song, a lyric.

As I was driving today, I had to switch the song three times to avoid lyrics that were related to memories I was not ready or willing to recall. However, I almost always cherish those times when certain songs play and I have a chance to relive a brief moment in my past.

When I was younger, I remember always being surrounded by music and songs that were forever etched in my heart and mind. My grandparents and parents all had a love for music, and my dad especially, being a professional musician and songwriter for decades. I can recall many songs that bring back fond (and not so fond) memories. But the fond ones, I love to recall, even if only for a few verses or notes before I have to move to the next to avoid a watershed (and not always a sad one!).

I remember my first boy/girl party that I had invited my entire class to attend. All of my girlfriends had someone they were "going steady" with at the time, including myself. Inevitably, the evening turned to everyone huddling in the arcade, where several of the boys were being "dared" to give a cheek kiss to their person. Well, almost everyone got one except guess who? (Read: Me, the birthday girl.) I was devastated - heartbroken having been shunned, especially on my birthday.

Later that evening, all of the girls returned to my house for a sleepover and the "said boy" that I was "going with" called me to apologize and let me know he did want to kiss my cheek, but lost his courage last minute. And then he proceeded to place the phone receiver to his stereo speaker and play When I See You Smile (Warrant). I know right? How stinking sweet? Needless to say, I forgave the faux pas. We did not end up together for the record, but at the time, he was my one and only. But anytime that song plays...

Roll out any 70's or 80's song especially Toto, Elton John, America, Tears for Fears, Lionel Richie, Spandau Ballet...the list goes ON and ON...and I am vividly remembering my mom driving us to the beach, windows rolled down, singing at the top of our lungs! Every time I hear Respect (Aretha), Papa Was a Rolling Stone (James Brown) or 25 or 6 to 4 (Chicago), I am instantly taken back to my dance line days at Gadsden High School. When any George Strait tune comes on, I fondly think of my high school sweetheart. Play Brown Eyed Girl (Van Morrison), Closing Time (Semisonic), or You Shook Me All Night Long (AC/DC), Dixieland Delight (Alabama), and my mind thinks back to the days of dancing to the bands in college at the frat houses and Brother's Bar.

When my ex-husband and I began dating, he somehow discovered one of my favorite "old" love songs, Just the Way You Look Tonight (Tony Bennett version from the movie My Best Friend's Wedding), and it became one of our slow dance favorites. The other two that made us both smile  included our first date dance song to Wonderful Tonight (Clapton), and Don't Want to Miss a Thing (Aerosmith.) One of my sweetest memories to this day is after I discovered that I was expecting my beautiful son, Will, I sang to my belly each night, and then to his sweet face when he was born every night after, Your Song (Elton John.)  

Anytime I hear On Eagle's Wings (Catholic hymn) or Here I Am (Catholic hymn) I am instantly transported back to St. James Catholic Church. Likewise with hearing Just As I Am (Baptist hymn) or I Surrender All (Baptist hymn), and I am the young girl drawing on my notebook paper at my grandmother's Baptist church during the LONG sermon, getting in trouble when I whisper "is he almost done."

                                                                                                

I could probably right a book about all the songs that have had a profound effect on my memories- we all could! The point is, I think sometimes we forget the value of music and lyrics in our lives. Clearly the connection can impact us in ways we never could have imagined. And I always anticipate the songs that are yet to come, and making new memories to have in the future. Good or bad, it is always a welcome experience when a certain song comes on, and I am transported back, if only for a moment. Aren't you?

The World of Online Dating - For Better or Worse, and Everything in Between!

In a world full of plenty of fish in the sea, it can be really hard to find one that is suitable. Don't get me wrong, the romantic, more-traditional side of me has waited forever to look across the room, lock eyes with a handsome man, and know in my heart that we would be together forever. Okay, I just made myself laugh out loud- and very hard- but it sounds good!

Most of my girlfriends are married to or living with their high school or college sweethearts. Let's face it, school is a natural breeding ground for relationships. I even married my college sweetheart, so it happens all the time. But as a single 30-something, living in a quaint, coastal town, it can be extremely hard to find someone that is not already spoken for and/or is worthy of your company, short or long-term. 

I had always seen commercials for online dating sites and never paid much attention, having been married and settled. I don't think I judged them, (if I did, I don't recall), but they just did not play a role in my then-current situation. When my husband and I separated in 2014, I began to reconnect with friends who were recently divorced or separated themselves, and guess what the common thread was they all shared? Joining online dating sites...it was a "thing."

Admittedly, I was not feeling it at first and sat back, watching my girlfriends meet up with their "match", or "fish", or whatever the online site designated these folks. It was really interesting to hear the after-stories, mostly funny and/or good, and really only a few "horror" stories or uncomfortable situations. I had a couple of girlfriends that developed long-term relationships, or at least got a few months out of it. So eventually I found myself signed up on one of the freebie sites, and the journey began.

I intercepted many bizarre messages, a few completely lewd and unacceptable ones (think one night stand with a pilot in for the night) and quickly became frustrated. But right before deleting my profile forever, one caught my attention. I "liked" his picture and waited, but got no response and vowed to delete my page the next day. Then the message came, which simply read :"So what exactly is a non profit?" I laughed and probably shot back some smart ass "are you serious" comment. At the time I worked for a non profit, in case you missed that part. 

So, I looked at his profile several times that proclaimed he was looking for "nothing serious, just a good time," etc. He was a red-headed cutie, that seemed very independent, and like me was all-about his kids and everything else came second. Although he was nothing like anyone I had ever dated or even liked, there was something that caught my attention. We ended up messaging and texting for the next month, and on May 5th, 2015, we agreed to meet. 

The date was nerve-wracking, and became a tell-all for him as he divulged his past life (think super exciting and scary to say the least) but all-in-all, remained fun and intriguing. I walked away questioning the entire evening, but somehow was curious for more. He was a complete gentleman, but barely hugged me goodbye, so I shrugged it off, thinking I would never hear from him again. 

We continued to chat over the next few weeks and to my amazement, had several dates that eventually turned into weekly occurrences when he was home. Fast forward three years and three months later, to many amazing memories. We recently split, but for the first time I can honestly tell people how we met and that for the most part it was okay. I do not want to detail our relationship here, but what I want to say is, if you are on the fence about online dating or just online looking, do it. 

It is so hard these days to meet someone. Someone you can actually get a taste and feel for their personality, their vibe, their loves, hates, etc. I learned enough about this person online, and then through texting/email, to trust our ability to connect, and meet face to face. And while it did not end as we imagined, I do not think either of us would change a thing. 
While he was always ready and willing to attest to our meeting online, I shied away from the truth and always said we met among mutual friends. It felt shameful to say that I put myself out there online and this was the only way this person found me. It was not the traditional way to meet someone, so I did not feel comfortable sharing. But what I believe is, if we have the courage and the willingness to put ourselves out there in different ways, those who finds us are the people who are meant to find us.
I still believe in that glance across the room, and I hope for it everyday. I trust that you can meet a person randomly, and make a special connection. Believe it or not, it happened to me the other day, and I had a first date for the first time in over three years...it was great! Who knows where it will lead or what will come of it, but we both had a blast, and I look forward to getting to know him better.
I guess the point of this entry is that I was ashamed of the online connection and always hid it. But in the end, there was no reason for me to, because how you meet someone is part of your story. I hid the beginning of my last story for a long time, for no reason. And while that story has ended, my new story is beginning and I will tell how it happens. And if it ends, I will tell you how the next one begins. That small fact is not a big deal, how it began....just how it is written is what matters.