Letting go is hard. As small children, we let go of silly things...blankies, boogeymen, sucking our thumbs. As adults, we let go of hard stuff. Tonight, my son witnessed me letting go of something or rather someone that was very important in our lives. Someone that had an impact on our day-to-day. Someone who mattered...or so I thought.

If i could define myself in three words...bitch, lover, giver. And even the "bitch" comes in handy for 9 out of 10 times. I do not let things go and I hold my people close, love them hard, protect and more. When I am let go, it is a blow, no doubt. I was not expecting the let-go. Are we ever? I was expecting the in-it-for-the-long-haul.

Funny how God has other plans right? Well, I have dealt with it as best I can the past weeks, but sometimes, memories or emotions get the best of me. I got-GOT- tonight...just when I thought I was good. But you know what? That is being human. That is bearing your soul when you want to hide. That is life. And how you deal with all that, shows your humanity and your resilience.

It is hard, the letting go thing. But you know, we all have to do it, and to do it with grace and humility is key. Because sometimes, even if we were pushed into it, it leads to us seeing that it was for the best. Now, honestly, I am not there yet. I still have a very raw and open wound, but my head tells my heart to shut up everyday and keep moving forward.

Here is what I know:

• No one will ever love that person more than I did. Try, try, try again.
• No one will ever give more of themselves to that person, or their people, than I did, or in the way that I did.
• No one will ever be me...no matter how hard they try. And if that person ignores the fact of who I was and what I meant, shame on them.

It is not self-reassurance, it just is what it is. I gave my all. I was not perfect, but by God, I tried. I could not do it alone, and here we are.

Tomorrow will be a new day. New people, new things, new times. I am grateful for those surrounding me and loving me. I am grateful to know that the past few years, I tried like hell. But you cannot do it alone. Point made. So here I go again.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name...at the WINE BAR!

Who does NOT love a wine bar*? If you don't you may want to skip past this post, just sayin'.

Really, what is better than strolling into a comfy place, to smiling faces, and a great glass of vino, maybe a good cheese board, and good conversation? If the people running the show are doing it right, you are going to love being there. (*Disclaimer: Even if you are not a wino, they usually have beer and maybe other spirits to sustain you.)

I am blessed to have a "fun" second job...seriously! Most people dread the idea of anything above and beyond the typical "9-5", but I get excited when I know I will be clocking in and talking to folks I have grown to know, even love some, and call my friends. Amazing people own it, a friendly and accepting crowd frequents it, and maybe the most important part, I have made friends that quite frankly, I never imagined would have been friends. Score! (Plus, I get to drink some yummy wines often...so double score!)

When I first started, I was a little gun-shy, having had a not-so-great experience at another wine bar. But immediately, the owners and the staff took me under their wings and the rest is history. I have had a blast, and while I equally enjoy my 50-60 work week at my "day" job, I will hang onto this gig as long as they will have me. 

Wine bars in the south are a recent (think decade recent) thing, but I have traveled pretty extensively throughout my career and visited some nifty ones, most often in northern or midwestern states. One of my favorites is POPS for Champagne in Chicago. I love the idea of champs any day of the week, and this bar never disappointed.  Plus they had an excellent wine and tapas menu. 

Another that I remember fondly is in NYC, tucked away on one of those streets you wander down trying to get away from the hustle and bustle. I cannot recall the name, but I managed to find it everyday for a few week-long business trips for a happy hour drink before business dinners and such.

See, the way I see it, if your wine bar has the four following elements, you are bound to attract folks and be successful:

1. Atmosphere

No one wants a "stuffy" atmosphere. We are not all seeking cultural insight when we just want a yummy glass of vino. Sometimes, walking into a cozy place, tucked away, is just the ticket. Decor adds to this, along with a few candles and maybe dimmer lighting, or natural light until dark.

2. Welcoming staff (and owners)

If I walk into the wine bar and you do not acknowledge me, chances are, I am walking out. Call it my southern nature or whatever, but say "hello" and even "how are you" to everyone. It goes a long way. And it goes without mentioning, smile.

3. Simple by-the-glass offerings

Don't try to get my attention with a $15 glass of your favorite zinfandel, please. Offer me that $7 or $8 glass of yummy and if I bite, chances are I may get the bottle. Don't get too deep with the by-the-glass offerings. Just tell me what you like and why, I can share some thoughts, and we can come to a conclusion together. 

4. The Crowd

I know you cannot help who comes and goes, and there will always be an exception. But for the most part, regulars can make or break your business. I know it sounds silly, but it is true, they contibute to the "vibe." Where I work, the regulars welcome the newbies, who usually become regulars themselves. It is a thing of beauty.

Bottom line, I love wine and I love to talk to people about wine, and encourage them to try new things. If you have never visited a wine bar and are eager to venture out of your comfort zone, or just find something different than what you usually pour, take a chance and visit your nearest wine bar. And if you are in my neck of the woods (LA- read: Lower Alabama) come see the amazing little gem that I like to hang out, Le Bouchon. You will not be disappointed...and I am sure you will soon become a regular yourself!

Cheers!

Nikole

The Story of the Sunflower

Like a sunflower that follows

Every moment of the sun,So I turn towards You, to follow You my God.In simplicity, charity I follow. In simplicity, honesty I follow. In simplicity, fidelity I follow.

It got my attention, that song we sang in Church and school mass when I was younger. I could recite and sing in tune to this day. This is why I believe I love a sunflower. Because it is truth - the sunflower turns towards the sun, follows the sun, and the sun is created of course by God. And we all feel good in the sun, right?

When we first moved back to Alabama, I was so sad, leaving my friends in Bluffton (SC), and one day on the way home there was a field of sunflowers. I stopped, took a picture, and smiled...breathing in the beauty and the moment. It was amazing therapy and just what I needed. 

Those who know me best know that I love a flower...any flower, fresh and beautiful, I will take and love. But my favorite flower in the entire world is a sunflower. It honestly takes on a life of its own...it blooms, looks for the sun, if the sun is gone, it goes to sleep. Then it re-awakens and moves back toward the sun the next day. A bit of a re-birth I believe. 

I recently read this about sunflowers:
Sunflowers symbolize adoration, loyalty and longevity. Much of the meaning of sunflowers stems from its namesake, the sun itself. These flowers are unique in that they have the ability to provide energy in the form of nourishment and vibrancy—attributes which mirror the sun and the energy provided by its heat and light.

More recent than not, I have needed sunshine in my life. When I see sunflowers at the Publix, in the farmer's market, or even on a random post or website, they make me smile. So I always have and will look for the sunflowers. 

I encourage you to find your flower. Whether it be the amazing sunflower, or another one, make sure you know that it is yours and why. There is something to be said about a beautiful, live flower on your table, counter, or desk. Go and buy a bunch (or two) today...you will not regret it. 

Cheers and love-
Nikole

I LOVE AN InstaPot 
Thank you for saving me hours and making up for all the times that I forgot to turn on the crockpot.

I met my first InstaPot via my parents about a year ago, watching in awe as they created a pot roast in an hour...AN HOUR people!!! I was amazed and terrifed at the same time, because I knew eventually I would take on the InstaPot to create dinners for my family and friends, and it is basically a pressure cooker. With safeties.

My first go-round I made navy beans and ham. It went okay, nothing exploded, and even though I doubled, not realizing the need for a time extension, it turned out yummy. I was seriously nervous about an explosion, but if I survived, so will you. And I was convinced this was a game-changer.

Fast-forward to having made whole chickens, pot roasts, enjoyed spaghetti, red beans and rice (sorry my LA friends, it tastes awesome!), and more...all in under 1-2 hours. YUM!

I can only tell you the InstaPot is awesome sauce and NO, I am getting no benefit for a free one. But if you do not have one or have not experienced one, RUN, do not walk, to your local Target or visit Amazon and get one stat! It does not disappoint.

Confessions of An Ex-Crossfit Junkie...Who Recently Returned to the Bar

“Life is not about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving.” 
– Rocky Balboa

Part of my "try new things" adventure has been returning to the crazy, cultish, fitness obsession called CrossFit. It is hard to explain to someone unfamiliar or someone that holds the notion "crossfit is bad for you," or "it is not for everyone." The facts are if you properly train and scale as needed, it is a unique process that will sculpt and strengthen any body.

I began training in 2011 completely by accident. I used to run 3-4 miles while my son was practicing with his swim team, and everyday my route took me by this warehouse-looking building where I saw groups of people throwing up barbells, weight balls, and completing the not-so-loved move I came to know as burpees. I have never been a gym person, but I have always gravitated towards group exercise, and this group seemed pretty in sync as I glanced at their daily workouts jogging by the building.

Curiosity got the best of me, so I stopped in one day to see what was going on. That day was the beginning of a love affair. I was immediately welcomed by the owner and the members. After a quick tour, observing what was being referred to as a "WOD", and making an appointment for my ramp-up orientation, I was signed up for the next month. And so it began.

My first WOD (Workout of the Day) was what would become some of my all time favorite Crossfit moves...21-15-9 Thrusters, Deadlifts, Wall Balls. I eagerly jumped in with a 14 lb. wall ball, a 35 lb. bar, and added 20 lbs. for a 55 lb. beginning to my journey. I was invigorated, excited and eager to return the next day. Little did I know, first day sore sucks, BUT second day sore is NO JOKE. By my third day in, the stairs and the toilets were my worst enemy as I attempted to climb/squat. I walked a little funny, and wanted to cry most of those two days, but it got better and I kept going back for more.

One of the coolest aspects (in my opinion) of CF is your battle wounds. After about three months,  my shins looked like a war zone from the scrapes as a result of busting it on box jumps multiple times. My hands literally would rip from pull ups in multiple places, almost be healed in a few days, only to find we were doing them again. Collar bone and thigh bruises are par-for-the-course if you are doing the movement right. And oh! The beautiful whip marks from the jump rope while tackling double-unders are amazing. But, these are scars that us cross-fitters tout, and we showcase them proudly as a mark of our accomplishments for the day.

I have been absent from the CF world for almost two years and recently I returned, with the encouragement of my stepmom realizing I needed a new scene. It was scary. I was intimidated and I do not get intimidated. After nearly 4 years of 4-6 WODS a week, I had accomplished some significant weight PR's, was able to do pull ups (big deal and a personal goal when I first began), had great stamina, was working on hand stand push ups, and more. When you leave the box, and don't keep up with the training, you have to basically begin again. (But that has become one of my favortie mottos lately...in the end, we begin again).

At the beginning of last week, I walked in to greetings from Missy (my former trainer here in AL), the owner/coach at Yellowhammer Fitness, and a new group of CF peeps. It was weird to use lower weight and scale myself (not even banded pull ups, think ring rows), but it was okay. I just set my mind to pace myself and enjoy the experience. Now two weeks in, I feel like I am beginning to get my groove back. I am nowhere near where I was when I left, but I know that in six months and I will be back on track. Hell, I feel back on track now! It feels good.

The OG CrossFit843 peeps post WOD for Hope, 2013.

See, there are some basic beauties with this sport. First and foremost, the Community.
You will never feel excluded, left out, or left behind at a box. Even if you are a drop-in, in a different state, CF folks share an unspoken bond and because of this, we tend to be an overly-friendly and accepting bunch to all.

Second, the results are undeniable and inevitable if you trust the process.  
Even if you are not jumping on the paleo or keto train, you can still work hard, eat healthy but still indulge, and see results. I am currently figuring out my long-term diet strategy, but I have basically steered away from bread, moderated drinking, and I have seen results in the past two weeks. I am looking forward to getting my "I do 500 squats a week" bootie back!


Finally, you continually surprise yourself.

Just when you think "I have maxed out," or "this is all I have left today," you add a few pounds to the bar, you do a few more reps, you just push just a little harder. And all the while your Community is cheering you on to do a little more, and if you cannot, they congratulate you for your achievement. Good stuff!

So thank you Lisa Gore, and Missy Lewis. I am very happy to be back in the CF community and honestly, absent the soreness and scaling, it feels like I never left. I am excited to watch my progress and my team mates progress as we continue on this journey together. Stay strong folks, be good. And go check out your nearest box...you will NOT regret it.

Learning to Fly

I have not blogged in years. But here I sit, trying to find a new creative outlet and here I go, thinking that there is no time like the present. A lot has changed in the last five years, which I think is the last time I sat down to either blog or write in a journal.

As a mother of an almost-16 year old, I continue to learn a great deal from my beautiful, healthy son, Will. He has taught me patience (to an extent, but he knows not to test), to be humble, to think of others first, and that at the end of the day, family matters most. Granted, he is far from perfect, but I revel in his kindness, spirit, and energy. We have certainly grown up together and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for him!

After relocating back to Alabama (BONUS! 25 minutes from my favorite beach), lots of change has ensued. It has been a whirlwind to say the least, filled with gains, losses, happiness, and sadness...as is life right? Most importantly my boy has continued to thrive and grow, stay the sweet soul that he is (although NOT perfect!) and I count my blessings for that everyday.

About a month after moving back, we lost my papa and it shook my entire family to the core. For me, dealing with my first real loss (with a death) took a long time to process. Some days I feel as though I am still processing. He is my guardian angel for sure, but everyday I miss his voice calling and saying "Hello dear," and those big hugs only he could give out.

Will & I hanging in downtown Fairhope.

My (ex) husband and I separated in 2015 on amicable terms, and in the big world of separation and divorce, it was a relatively painless process. He has known me since I was 19, so the idea of severing ties with my best friend of that many years was not ideal, especially with a child. No child deserves bitter, bickering, or absentee parents. It is not always perfect, our relationship, but all things considered, we function as normally as we can. I hope it will benefit Will for the rest of his life, to show how parents do not have to live together or be married to make a family work.

At the end of last year I left the nonprofit working world, and intent to join the for-profit working world. It did not happen instantaneously and the struggle was real. I will forever be grateful for my family and friends for their support, and my precious boy who encouraged me everyday along the way.

I had 16 years of working experience, but no one was willing to recognize that it could translate to the corporate world. Thankfully, my patience (although tested often) paid off, and after about eight months, countless resumes sent and too many interviews attended, I was blessed with a really cool job in logistics. I learn something new everyday, and while it is still a strange new world, I have embraced it and really do enjoy the new adventure.

Shortly after my husband and I separated, I met someone that I never could have imagined would become such an integral part of my life. Seriously, if you could pick two completely opposite people and put them together, it would be us. But it worked and it was good...it was actually great, in my humble opion. Until it was not. Let me say, it was in no way love at first sight, and honestly after our first date-following two months of simply texting/talking- I was not sure a second date would happen.  But the rest is history.

I am grateful for how we grew together and it was a true life-learning experience. Our ideals and values did not always mesh, but I believe that we learned more about each other than we probably wanted to know, which created a mutual respect. We meticulously worked to integrate our families and children, who were not used to another person in their parent's lives. We made plans for the future, talked about going places, and making our dreams happen sooner rather than later. It was exciting to think about moving forward with this man.

A few weeks ago, that relationship took a turn that I could not have imagined. I am to date grappling with how it went down, as there has been no real closure. It is still very raw and I contiue to process as I keep moving forward. I cannot say for sure sure what the future holds for either of us, if there is an us, but I have an amazing support system and lots of prayers surrounding me, so it is one breath at a time.

And that in a few paragraphs is the past few years.

I titled this entry "Learning to Fly" because the truth is, I am still learning to navigate this beautiful world. I have become content to live day-to-day, enjoying my beautiful son, my family, the beach (might be an addiction!), and some unexpected new friends who have shown me the silver lining during some recently dark days.

I have one month left until I enter the last year of my 30's, and I have a few goals to accomplish, restarting my blog is one of them. I have always loved to write, and it is hands-down my best method of communication. I also enjoy reading what others write, gaining perspecitve through different views and opinions. I hope that others are able to experience the same in reading this blog.

In a world of mistaken or overthought Facebook posts, and Instagram photos that make you go hmmmm...this is my safe place. Nothing will make you go hmmm, just hopefully enlighten or inform. And in a way, it is my therapy.

I hope that one day, some random post will resonate with you, or someone else reading, and perhaps help you will see things in a different light, or think about things in a new way.

Thank you for taking the time to read my little blurb! Until next post...

Cheers!
Nikole